LIES OF A MITCH

I caught myself shaking my head at how ridiculous my cousin sounded as she tried to defend a new guy she was flirting with. "He is so thoughtful!but is so busy!", "he hangs out with the boys and when I'm with him all he does is sleep after sex because he is too tired.  

Those are warning signs of, girl-you-been-mitched, Mitch style and he tells LIES!

Listen naive chick, there somethings a man tells you, you should see a smoke signal rise up his lying head, screaming, you've been lied to.

Lies of a Mitch include:

I'm hanging out with the boys tonight but i can pass by your place after. Really! are you going to stay at home waiting for someone having a blast with his boys and you are at home marinating your ass for someone who will most likely come smelling of booze and sweat. Oh come on! why doesn't he invite you to hang out with the boys? is he too ashamed to show you off?

I'm not really ready to date but i m OK just chilling with you. Really! chilling with you as he waits for someone else to date, your not the dating type huh? you will chill like ice until you aren't cool enough to chill with, Oh come on! Break that ice chilling business and move on to someone who is ready to date you. Most likely, the guy is too scared to be hurt again so he would rather chill with you.

Speaking of heart ache, ohh i have heard this line before, she broke my heart and im not ready to move on. This is a classic phrase for someone who is still hung up on their ex or hoping their ex will come back. So if the Mitch is living in the past and you are living his past so both of you are idiots in your past present. You need to move from that ignorant state and let the fool hang on too the past. Wait! Oh come on! nearly forgot to say that.

I'm focusing on my career! Really! Mitch wants to build his career but what about you, when shall the focus ever shift? people are very capable of having a relationship and career. So tell the Mitch to go make love to that special career, EVERY BODY NEEDS SOMEONE!

I'm go so busy, i forgot to text, call or hit back on you! really! You are clearly not priority on his list, when a guy is into you, he will call, text, whats app, IG, DM, send smoke signals and jump out of a building just to know that you are OK. If he isn't doing that, you need to find someone who is worth your while otherwise you will be by your phone waiting for a beep, even switch it off and put it on just to make sure that there is nothing wrong with it. Silly girl, say it with me....Oh come on already! 

Ladies, if you have some Mitch lines, i would love to read some. Men also!

Keeping it 100%

Miss Di

MARKING YOUR TERRITORY

Its necessary to mark your territory if you love someone. Imagine some women or man flirting with the other part of your heart and you are right there! Do you have the guts to slap a Bitch or Mitch?

Some little annoying thing kept creeping back in my now exes life, calling him, texting him and even camping at his place all in the name of trying to be friends and yet i knew she wanted to be more than friends with my man.

Day one, i tolerated her because i didnt know what her game plan was and i was still new and heavy with the man. She literally slept on the sofa for nearly four days, i went, came back and i found the heifer still at his place.

I found something we both liked and we started doing stuff together, she got comfortable in my space, i let her think i was her best friend and one night i sat there sharing a ciggarette with her, drink in my hand and asked her when she intended to leave. Hadnt she noticed a new queen b in the house?
I moved close to her face and asked her to pack her things and when me and my man woke up the next morning, she would have been gone.

Morning came, heifer wasnt there! she had gone and left one piece of under wear in the bathroom, i took that nasty piece of rag and threw it in the bin, to be trashed out with the things that didnt belong in my space.

Ladies or Gentlemen, it is important to mark your territory, its your space so go on and take over.

Keeping it 100%

Miss Di  

DRUNKEN DIALING

You have done drunk dialing right.....Stop acting like you have never drunk dialed your ex in the wee hours with or without your caller ID on. I know i have, i kept calling and asking if he could over or crying about how i miss him and all that nonsense desperate single people do after drinking then it suddenly hits you that you will die alone and miserable before daylight.

 
Valentines day is around the corner and im very afraid for everyone who is single. I know most of us will be miserable and make that call or send that text when drunk
Text 1: Where are you? can you come over? 
Text 2: Im so sad we arent together
Text 3: Please come for a drink, i hate drinking without you
Text 4: I have something urgent to tell you, please call me
Text 5: Why are you not replying back
Text 6: ??????? why
*nude photo sent*
 

Women who drunk dial are the worst, one friend of mine would send mass texts to her ex, workmates, ex boss, cab driver and everyone else in her phone book until one day she sent her cousin a naked pic and she had to make that call of shame.

So to survive drunken dialing this valentines day , here are some of my rules that should help you go through the night.

Ask a girl friend or male friend to stay over
Delete all the numbers you dont need in your phone book
Make all the calls you need to make before you start drinking
Give your friend the phone and you take theirs
Do not use your friends phone to dial your ex number stuck in your head
Put off the phone or ask your friend to lock your phone for the evening with a different password
Collect all the bad memories around your house and burn them outside
Sing kumbaya till the morning in drunken bliss
Do not post anything in any social media until three days after valentines
Phew! you will survive another year.

Keep it 100%

Miss Di

WEAVE OR NOT TOO WEAVE

70% of men don't like weaves, 40% of men have no clue that a woman has a weave on and 15% of men will never see the real hair of a woman they are dating.

It was even more ridiculous when i sat with men on a long trip out of town and listened to them describe how dirty and smelly weaves and wigs were. One highly educated man went on about how he once had a female client meet him at his office and he could smell her hair the entire meeting. How in our weather a woman accumulates all the dust in the hair and does nt wash it for months, i even heard stories of women who kept tooth picks in the weave or wig.Or how women should be searched in the head and not on the body since they can hide a whole house in a pile of weave.These men had theories on the weave, wigs and natural hair,another gentleman stated that when women should state whether her hair is real or fake because he had a horrific experience when he once dated a lady who wore wigs. One night, the woman of his dreams finally agrees to sleep at the gentleman's place, he woke up next to a stranger the next day, the wig was placed on the table as the lady lay on his bed with her natural kinky hair, making purring sounds  as the gentleman held in the muffled scream. What happened to the lady with beautiful long hair?

 I blame the men for women getting into the weave craze, if men didn't lust over women with long locks and flawless skin, drooling over black women entertainers with tonnes of fake hair, fake lashes, fake asses and boobs! women would be very happy rocking natural kinky hair. I'm writing from personal experience.One night i went to a restaurant without any wigs or extensions and got very little attention. The next night, i put on shoulder length extensions and kept flipping then, i got all the attention right from the door.  

Who cares what is on woman's head!. Do you know how long a woman takes in the saloon to look fabulous in a weave,braids or whatever is on her head.Life would be boring without all those interesting looks. Hair business is one of the best businesses to get into, so instead of dissing a sista, uplift her with some business and embrace her crowning of glory.

Keeping it 100%

Miss Di.

UNCOMFORTABLY IN LOVE

Getting comfortable around a new person you are dating can be difficult.
The first Kiss is awkward, the first sleepover is weird.

Do you have a ritual you do every night before you go to bed, I wash my face, cleanse, massage my shoulders and neck. I finish it off with wiping my legs.

So when you sleep over a guys/ girls unexpectedly, you have all these uncomfortable thoughts before you finally get to sleep.

When it comes to the bathroom and you want to drop a bomb, its normally nice and breezy at your place and all over sudden you are dropping nuclear war fare in the bowl and when you are done, there isn't tissues or water in the loo.

You walk back to bed after managing your loo saga then you find your new love awake, grinning sheepishly, occupying the entire bed, you are so tempted to pick up your clothes from wherever they are and duck but your love pats on the bed and you walk reluctantly towards the bed.

Arrrg, morning breath! You lock your lips and manage to kiss the lips but your lover insists on sticking tongue into your mouth, you can nearly taste the beer and smell the armpits, last night you couldn't resist the smell of your lover and now you wish you had a peg on your nose.

The walk from your lovers door to your car or taxi can be very embarrassing, suddenly all neighbours have their heads pooping all over watching you make the walk of shame. You uncomfortably seat in the car and try to shake your new friends hands instead of a goodbye kiss.

You are a few miles away and you breath in a deep long breathe, Phew!!!!! at last im on my own, you roll down the window, your knees weak, You straighten your pants, check the sides in utter shock. You wore them inside out! No wonder the stares!

Keeping it 100%

Miss Di

SIDE CHICKS NOTES

Cobwebs surrounding the core of the pain, the scars, the tears. I missed the way my eyes used to light up when you saw me, how I was desperate for love , to be held by someone who whispered those words .I lay on my bed, grinning, felling accomplished! I feel no guilt because I got what I wanted, I roll over to my belly, count the rolls of money that lay besides me, ahhhh I can finally buy whatever I want, the money come right on time, I was so broke and I wasn't sure where I was going to get the money. Hmmmm, I remember making him guilty after he put the money on the bed. he never gave me the money in my hand as if he was afraid I would reject it. well I have rejected it once and felt so stupid when he threw it on the sofa the first time he tried to give me money.

I felt cheap, I felt lonely once again, I felt used,I deserve a ring, I deserve to call you anytime I want, I deserve to be with you any moment I please but all I get is promises and words. Im tired of those words that mean nothing, the times I waited for you and you didn't show up because you had an emergency called 'your family' or 'your wife'. im not that important huh?

What about the holidays you promised, just me and you. Each time you left, my heart would sink because for 3 years, I loved you, despite being with you for less than 30 mins all I feel is tragedy, I have at times watched you knock at my door and I would ignore you, knowing how upset you would be, I would cleanse myself off you and promise to stop being the side chick but all in vain when you would come back and I would forget every little lie you told me and I would die in the moment.

My name is the side chick, together is never promised but as long as we have a moment, I will die in the moment, that moment that I have captured with you besides me I will forever cherish, they don't understand our bond, you and I don't understand it . Im a foolish girl but im a brave girl to swallow the emptiness, no one to talk to, no one to confide in, no one to wake up too, no one to kiss goodnight as the darkness closes in.

I get up from my bed and pick up my bundle of money from my soiled white sheets, I put on my robe, put on a fresh coat of make up, look at myself in the mirror, I look good, im ready to conquer the world. I have the paper and im ready to die in the moment.

Keeping it 100%

Dedicated to Kabeka, I will always regret that I didn't do anything.

Miss Di