MARKING YOUR TERRITORY

Its necessary to mark your territory if you love someone. Imagine some women or man flirting with the other part of your heart and you are right there! Do you have the guts to slap a Bitch or Mitch?

Some little annoying thing kept creeping back in my now exes life, calling him, texting him and even camping at his place all in the name of trying to be friends and yet i knew she wanted to be more than friends with my man.

Day one, i tolerated her because i didnt know what her game plan was and i was still new and heavy with the man. She literally slept on the sofa for nearly four days, i went, came back and i found the heifer still at his place.

I found something we both liked and we started doing stuff together, she got comfortable in my space, i let her think i was her best friend and one night i sat there sharing a ciggarette with her, drink in my hand and asked her when she intended to leave. Hadnt she noticed a new queen b in the house?
I moved close to her face and asked her to pack her things and when me and my man woke up the next morning, she would have been gone.

Morning came, heifer wasnt there! she had gone and left one piece of under wear in the bathroom, i took that nasty piece of rag and threw it in the bin, to be trashed out with the things that didnt belong in my space.

Ladies or Gentlemen, it is important to mark your territory, its your space so go on and take over.

Keeping it 100%

Miss Di  

DRUNKEN DIALING

You have done drunk dialing right.....Stop acting like you have never drunk dialed your ex in the wee hours with or without your caller ID on. I know i have, i kept calling and asking if he could over or crying about how i miss him and all that nonsense desperate single people do after drinking then it suddenly hits you that you will die alone and miserable before daylight.

 
Valentines day is around the corner and im very afraid for everyone who is single. I know most of us will be miserable and make that call or send that text when drunk
Text 1: Where are you? can you come over? 
Text 2: Im so sad we arent together
Text 3: Please come for a drink, i hate drinking without you
Text 4: I have something urgent to tell you, please call me
Text 5: Why are you not replying back
Text 6: ??????? why
*nude photo sent*
 

Women who drunk dial are the worst, one friend of mine would send mass texts to her ex, workmates, ex boss, cab driver and everyone else in her phone book until one day she sent her cousin a naked pic and she had to make that call of shame.

So to survive drunken dialing this valentines day , here are some of my rules that should help you go through the night.

Ask a girl friend or male friend to stay over
Delete all the numbers you dont need in your phone book
Make all the calls you need to make before you start drinking
Give your friend the phone and you take theirs
Do not use your friends phone to dial your ex number stuck in your head
Put off the phone or ask your friend to lock your phone for the evening with a different password
Collect all the bad memories around your house and burn them outside
Sing kumbaya till the morning in drunken bliss
Do not post anything in any social media until three days after valentines
Phew! you will survive another year.

Keep it 100%

Miss Di

WEAVE OR NOT TOO WEAVE

70% of men don't like weaves, 40% of men have no clue that a woman has a weave on and 15% of men will never see the real hair of a woman they are dating.

It was even more ridiculous when i sat with men on a long trip out of town and listened to them describe how dirty and smelly weaves and wigs were. One highly educated man went on about how he once had a female client meet him at his office and he could smell her hair the entire meeting. How in our weather a woman accumulates all the dust in the hair and does nt wash it for months, i even heard stories of women who kept tooth picks in the weave or wig.Or how women should be searched in the head and not on the body since they can hide a whole house in a pile of weave.These men had theories on the weave, wigs and natural hair,another gentleman stated that when women should state whether her hair is real or fake because he had a horrific experience when he once dated a lady who wore wigs. One night, the woman of his dreams finally agrees to sleep at the gentleman's place, he woke up next to a stranger the next day, the wig was placed on the table as the lady lay on his bed with her natural kinky hair, making purring sounds  as the gentleman held in the muffled scream. What happened to the lady with beautiful long hair?

 I blame the men for women getting into the weave craze, if men didn't lust over women with long locks and flawless skin, drooling over black women entertainers with tonnes of fake hair, fake lashes, fake asses and boobs! women would be very happy rocking natural kinky hair. I'm writing from personal experience.One night i went to a restaurant without any wigs or extensions and got very little attention. The next night, i put on shoulder length extensions and kept flipping then, i got all the attention right from the door.  

Who cares what is on woman's head!. Do you know how long a woman takes in the saloon to look fabulous in a weave,braids or whatever is on her head.Life would be boring without all those interesting looks. Hair business is one of the best businesses to get into, so instead of dissing a sista, uplift her with some business and embrace her crowning of glory.

Keeping it 100%

Miss Di.

UNCOMFORTABLY IN LOVE

Getting comfortable around a new person you are dating can be difficult.
The first Kiss is awkward, the first sleepover is weird.

Do you have a ritual you do every night before you go to bed, I wash my face, cleanse, massage my shoulders and neck. I finish it off with wiping my legs.

So when you sleep over a guys/ girls unexpectedly, you have all these uncomfortable thoughts before you finally get to sleep.

When it comes to the bathroom and you want to drop a bomb, its normally nice and breezy at your place and all over sudden you are dropping nuclear war fare in the bowl and when you are done, there isn't tissues or water in the loo.

You walk back to bed after managing your loo saga then you find your new love awake, grinning sheepishly, occupying the entire bed, you are so tempted to pick up your clothes from wherever they are and duck but your love pats on the bed and you walk reluctantly towards the bed.

Arrrg, morning breath! You lock your lips and manage to kiss the lips but your lover insists on sticking tongue into your mouth, you can nearly taste the beer and smell the armpits, last night you couldn't resist the smell of your lover and now you wish you had a peg on your nose.

The walk from your lovers door to your car or taxi can be very embarrassing, suddenly all neighbours have their heads pooping all over watching you make the walk of shame. You uncomfortably seat in the car and try to shake your new friends hands instead of a goodbye kiss.

You are a few miles away and you breath in a deep long breathe, Phew!!!!! at last im on my own, you roll down the window, your knees weak, You straighten your pants, check the sides in utter shock. You wore them inside out! No wonder the stares!

Keeping it 100%

Miss Di

SIDE CHICKS NOTES

Cobwebs surrounding the core of the pain, the scars, the tears. I missed the way my eyes used to light up when you saw me, how I was desperate for love , to be held by someone who whispered those words .I lay on my bed, grinning, felling accomplished! I feel no guilt because I got what I wanted, I roll over to my belly, count the rolls of money that lay besides me, ahhhh I can finally buy whatever I want, the money come right on time, I was so broke and I wasn't sure where I was going to get the money. Hmmmm, I remember making him guilty after he put the money on the bed. he never gave me the money in my hand as if he was afraid I would reject it. well I have rejected it once and felt so stupid when he threw it on the sofa the first time he tried to give me money.

I felt cheap, I felt lonely once again, I felt used,I deserve a ring, I deserve to call you anytime I want, I deserve to be with you any moment I please but all I get is promises and words. Im tired of those words that mean nothing, the times I waited for you and you didn't show up because you had an emergency called 'your family' or 'your wife'. im not that important huh?

What about the holidays you promised, just me and you. Each time you left, my heart would sink because for 3 years, I loved you, despite being with you for less than 30 mins all I feel is tragedy, I have at times watched you knock at my door and I would ignore you, knowing how upset you would be, I would cleanse myself off you and promise to stop being the side chick but all in vain when you would come back and I would forget every little lie you told me and I would die in the moment.

My name is the side chick, together is never promised but as long as we have a moment, I will die in the moment, that moment that I have captured with you besides me I will forever cherish, they don't understand our bond, you and I don't understand it . Im a foolish girl but im a brave girl to swallow the emptiness, no one to talk to, no one to confide in, no one to wake up too, no one to kiss goodnight as the darkness closes in.

I get up from my bed and pick up my bundle of money from my soiled white sheets, I put on my robe, put on a fresh coat of make up, look at myself in the mirror, I look good, im ready to conquer the world. I have the paper and im ready to die in the moment.

Keeping it 100%

Dedicated to Kabeka, I will always regret that I didn't do anything.

Miss Di

        

NAIROBIAN MODERN DATING FUSION

Before you go throwing Shade on me,trade carefully because im not generalizing all Kenyan men and placing them in one basket. I have done my extensive soul searching research and with that I can write objectively about how it is to date a modern African man and specifically the 'Nairobian or Kenyan.

Going on a date with a Nairobian man can sometimes be depressing. The ideal date especially for Kenyan men is taking a lady for Nyama choma at a local pub. How boring! and worse still is when the music is so loud and there is a football match going on. Thank God for apps on our phones that entertain us through the entire carnivorous, chest thumping, beer (soda) sipping(sipping) men squealing like women when a team scores.

I mentioned to a guy that I would like to go to our local park for a picnic, discover the sites in Nairobi, we didn't even have to go out of town, there are so many sites that would amaze him if he was willing to just go out and explore the town. He was shocked that I wanted to do things out of the norm. I even proposed that he could make a meal at home and we could have a decent conversation but it was as if I had suggested or mentioned something so taboo. Me! go to the kitchen! was the response I got.

Sweetie, are you waiting by the car door for him to open it for you, You are hilarious girl, (open your own damn door! that's for the movies) When you expect the door to be opened for a you or letting a lady enter a lift first, that is just not something we are cultured to do. I don't even have to tell you about my experience, just go to a busy mall and see how many 'gentlemen' will stand and let a lady go through first. I was giggling with a girl friend about this..... ladies are now picking the men up for dates in our cars and dropping them home after dates....... but lets leave that to rest for now and move on.

Our men never give promises of the moon and the stars because making a commitment is something of the past. They are just afraid of being responsible, the number of women complaining about men who don't take up responsibilities is very worrying. You don't expect to lay with women and not have baby issues? check out dead beat Kenyans. Moving along.

Don't get me started with the dress code, you expect an all natural woman, no weave, Vaseline for makeup and long sunny dresses and yet when Anaconda or Booty comes out, who is the first person to forward it to the boys or groups. I'm confused whether to get an ass job or boob implants, hmm perhaps Vera had some insight on it, nahhh im kidding, [poor thing]. Let me not even begin with bedroom affairs, some men have perfected the art of written and spoken fantasies of what they can do, when it comes to do, you are left wandering in the dark, what the hell happened or was that it?

Flowers and chocolates are a thing of the past, with apps that can send you virtual flowers and sweet messages, darling don't hold your breathe for those. Maybe a bunch of spinach/sukumawiki or traditional veggies is what you might get when you are making a meal at least its a plant.

I have to appreciate the Nairobian men when it comes to dressing, their rides and homes. I haven't met an untidy man. They are on their A game when it comes to grooming and they smell delicious. Infact, I was once embarrassed by a man who had a better pedicure than I did,i noticed that men go to the palour more than us ladies for facials, waxing, Pedi's and mani's  but that stops there for now.

Finally, return the key holder ladies. Some of our guys will propose, you get the ring and three babies down your still dating or in a relationship? Hmmmm, that is an open relationship and you are the convince, wake up and smell the coffee.

Worst thing is that we cant live without them! Gotta love the Nairobian Alpha man.

Keeping it 100%

Miss Di

MENDING A HEART BROKEN MAN

He slowly sat opposite me in the restaurant and I continued reading my magazine. I tried not to notice him but I knew he was watching me. After twenty minutes I decided to pay my bill, he stretched out and took the bill and asked if he could pay. I looked at him for the first time and noticed how handsome he was but his eyes had pain written in all over.

 

He told me that he didn't believe in love, love is meant to make man suffer. He told me a heart-breaking story of how the previous relations made him a stronger man and no matter what route your heart takes you, expect to find disappointment. Don't go looking for the truth if you don't want to get hurt. Stay still and trust the person you love and you don't ever get hurt.

 

I wanted to hold him, hug him and tell him that everything would be fine and some day he would find someone who loved him and his heart  would be safe in their hands but that would be lying to him because as human beings we have curious minds. When we are in relationships, we tend to always investigate the other person. Considering that he has been hurt so many times, I don't think he is capable of mending because he has been broken too many times.

 

I wander whether the women reading this would accept to be in a relationship with a man who has been broken so many times?. I have a feeling that if you would pursue a relationship with a broken man, you would have to deal with a lot of insecurities and constantly explaining yourself.

 

I wish I had a clamp that would fix broken hearts because that man could use some mending.



Keeping it 100%

 

Miss Di